


The Best Bodyguards

by Honey_Butterscotch



Series: A series of unrelated avatar events [4]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Animals love Zuko, Appa is good boi, Crack, Gen, He has a small army of turtleduck bodyguards, Oblivious Zuko (Avatar), Ozai can have pain, POV Outsider, Tiny vicious turtleducks, Turtleduck named Jasmine, Turtleduck(s), Yeah thats right fuck you ozai, i love writing crack fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:14:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25920418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honey_Butterscotch/pseuds/Honey_Butterscotch
Summary: Ozai escapes prison exactly two times. Both times, he is apprehended and humiliated...by animals. Zuko is unaware of both mishaps.
Relationships: Ozai/Pain
Series: A series of unrelated avatar events [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1879483
Comments: 80
Kudos: 706





	1. As Told By Turtleducks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheManOfManyFandoms](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheManOfManyFandoms/gifts).



> Thank you TheManOfManyFandoms for the ideas

The royal turtleducks had seen many things, especially Jasmine. Jasmine was not the oldest turtleduck of her flock by far (she was the second youngest in fact) but she had been a favourite of the little human duckling who fed them bread and played with them. His mother called him Zuko, and Duckling Zuko had the kindest smile and warmest hands out of everybody who came to visit. Sometimes, Duckling Zuko would take her inside the giant not-a-pond, tucked away in his soft not-feathers and take her to his _real_ not-a-pond where everything was just as warm as him. His father was not good. Yes, typically male turtleducks did not stick around for long after the chicks were born, but they still provided for and loved their ducklings. This was _not_ the case with Duckling Zuko's father. Jasmine the turtleduck, from the time she was a tiny little duckling, _hated_ Duckling Zuko's father. And then, Duckling Zuko vanished for a long, long time.

When Duckling Zuko came back, he looked different. His face was injured like Jasmine's older sister had been when Duckling Zuko's sister visited them three full moons ago. He looked just like Jasmine had felt when her brother didn't wake up many suns ago. But his hands were still warm and his face was still kind (maybe even kinder than he had been when she had last seen him) and most importantly, he had a new flock. Everything was fine. Her chicks were growing and everyone in her pond was healthy. But...every once in awhile at night, strange people crept by the pond and under Duckling Zuko's "window". He had called it a window at least. Her little flock in the pond had taken to disposing of these strangers themselves. And tonight, someone she had wanted to bite with her own beak came creeping by the pond. Jasmine would handle this one with great pleasure.

* * *

Ozai still had power. Not bending power (he would take that back once he had the Avatar in chains and all his friends' corpses lying charred at his feet), but there were still people with power. People loyal to him, the _true_ Fire Lord. People that could send other people to infiltrate his prison and free him. He would restart the war and wipe out every water bender, the Avatar, and anybody who got in his way. He had heard from his cell, from those ridiculous (now most likely dead) guards that his eldest had taken the throne (from his real heir, his daughter) and had ended the war almost a year ago. Almost a year and the Fire Nation was already soft and ruined by peace. He would remedy that. He, like a true ruler, would fix the problem on his own and dispose of the little pretender filthying his throne. 

It was a quiet night, and Ozai was ready to fill the empty air with the screams of his oldest child in his death throes. He heard a quiet, obnoxious _quack_ from behind him. Ozai turned and suddenly he could see nothing but feathers and feel nothing but a toothed beak grabbing at his face. Then the feeling of tiny teeth covered every finger and his neck and ears and even more of his face. Even his hair was not spared the sudden attack. He was almost relieved when three women in face paint (one looked like the girl with brown hair that had been allied with his daughter) grabbed him and subdued him into unconsciousness. He had always hated turtleducks.

* * *

Zuko awoke the next morning with the entire flock camped on his bed and sighed lightly. They really were the sweetest things, weren't they?


	2. As Told By Appa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Appa, the ten ton flying bison with six arms vs Ozai. I think we know how this goes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall I'm not gonna lie. Making roasting ozai fics is like therapy for me. And maybe I'm projecting my hate on to him because my own father abused me and my sisters before he left and I still have massive amounts of childhood trauma. Or maybe I just think it's fun. I dont know.

Appa considered himself to be a patient, old soul. He was over a hundred years old after all. He was as much of a pacifist as Aang was and was content to live out his days flying with his humans and eating plenty of hay with the occasional berry bush or two. Appa was of a very kind, gentle species and he was no different from any other calm, wise Sky Bison. 

That being said, he would gladly grind someone's bones between his flat teeth that really were made for reducing thick bales of hay into soft, edible mush. His teeth could work through human bones easily. Especially when this someone had tried to attack Aang and Zuko. Especially when this someone was the person who had plagued Aang's nightmares until the final, climatic battle that he wasn't even there for and the same someone who had been a complete manure pile of a father. Appa loved Aang, and Appa also loved Zuko. He also loved the feeling of apprehending a would-be attacker that came in the dead of night for Aang and Zuko. It was nice to put his force of weight to use. Sky bison were kind. Sky bison were also fiercely loyal and deathly protective. The latter information was previously lost, which would be most unfortunate for anybody who lacked the brains to underestimate the original airbenders.

* * *

Ozai's last chance would be tonight. His supporters were dying out even after only two years of being weeded out and ending up in cells. His loyal subjects were falling from power, being replaced by softhearted fools like the pretend Fire Lord, people who didn't want to spread the greatness of their nation. His last attempt might have been foiled a year ago, but this time he would succeed and a knife would be in the imposter's heart and the royal headpiece would be on his head once more. 

It was as if the spirits had blessed him, the Avatar was at the palace when Ozai arrived. It was practically a sign that he was meant to eradicate the Avatar and retake his power. He knew of his... _error_ and would not take the same course he had last time. This time was sure to be successful. The spirits damned turtleducks would not stop him this time. Ozai did not foresee a giant set of teeth to crush his leg or a giant paw pressing him down in the dirt. His leg was pained but he did not scream. He could not and simply let his limp leg hang as he was taken far away from the palace. A young girl with washed out eyes and a wide smirk appeared before him weeks later and grabbed the metal lock of his cell and twisted it to something beyond recognition. She spat at him before leaving with the earth trembling under her feet with each step.

* * *

In the Spirit World, many spirits cackled at the sight of the man who tried to be a god. Agni's hysterical guffaws were the loudest of them all.


End file.
